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3 Ways to Heal and Even Thrive After the Loss of a Child

Every parent has wondered if they would survive the loss of a child. If you have lost a child and you are reading this right now, then you have already survived. So, next question. Will you ever get over it? No, but you may come out the other side a better, stronger person.

1) Find Meaning or Purpose

Finding meaning or purpose in the death of a child is extremely personal and takes time. If you are religious you may find your meaning there. Think about what your child would have wanted for you. For example, I heard one mom say that she knew her son would have wanted her to be happy and healthy. Re-discover lost passions or hobbies. I also lost my mom a few years ago and she taught me how to knit and sew. I wasn’t a great listener, but it has helped me to relearn how to knit and make big fluffy baby blankets. Write to your child or write about your child. One parent in my support group finds great comfort in writing her daughter daily letters in a journal. Another thing grief can do is inspire us to help others. When you are ready it can be healing to work with other people who are experiencing trauma, because you now have a deep well of empathy for all kinds of suffering. For me, losing Benjamin was the spark that inspired the creation of our nonprofit. And that was just the beginning – what followed after was (and is) an exhilarating journey of personal growth and self-reflection. There is no reason for losing a child, but you can make it mean something.

Benjamin Michael David Jan. 14 – 16, 2022

2) Find Your People – Get Help

Losing a child, however it happened, is trauma. And like anyone who has gone through trauma, you need therapy. I think of grief as a buildup of pressure and therapy provides a release. Anxiety, anger, and insomnia were some of my personal indicators that I needed help. In person therapy or counseling is amazing, but long waiting lists – another supply chain issue? – seem to be the norm these days.
Consider online services. Covid has normalized and vastly improved online therapy. Plus it is widely available with some surprising benefits. There is a lot more flexibility with days and times for appointments. Also, therapy can be done through chat/text, phone, or video. I prefer video, but I’ve recently been trying phone so that I can walk and get “therapized” at the same time! How’s that for multi-tasking?
Another online therapy to try is a support group for parents who have lost a child. I may value this more than one-on-one therapy. When I am with my group, I know they “get” it. I feel comfort, acceptance, and understood. Sometimes I think we don’t want to burden friends and family with the true depths of our feelings, but it’s important to tell someone. That’s what support groups and therapists are for.
There are many online therapy options, and I can’t speak to their quality. All you can do is try. If you don’t like it, or you don’t connect with your therapist, then try another site or switch to a different counselor. But don’t give up. Here are the sites I recommend:
One-on-one therapy: https://www.betterhelp.com/
Support Groups (individual sessions also available): https://circlesup.com/

3) Feel the Feels

It’s important to let yourself feel sad (or mad, or whatever). Don’t shy away from the feelings. When they come, stop, be still and let them come. I’ve danced around true mediation and mindfulness my whole life, so that is something I am working on. Try an app, ask your therapist for some exercises. Slow down. For example, when friends or family ask how you are – stop – breathe – answer honestly. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail. Just let your feelings out into the universe. I find that if I don’t let them out they get sort of stuck bouncing around my head (and drive me a little crazy, lol).

You Will Feel Better Eventually

Time doesn’t really heal all wounds, because losing a child is not a wound. Many parents say that they feel like a different person after losing a child. You will feel better because you will slowly adjust to being that different person. This new person is strong, creative, and full of empathy for all humans who are experiencing or have experienced trauma. And lastly, don’t compare your loss to anyone else’s loss. Don’t ask whose loss was harder or easier. The death of your child was probably the worst thing you have ever lived through – and it was the same for every other parent who has lost a child. That’s what can you bring you together with other parents. At the same time, every loss, and every grief process is unique.

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